1. Eat partially congealed pistachio pudding straight from the mixing bowl with the spatula you stirred it with.
2. Steal your husband’s sweatpants, the pair with grease stains on the right knee and shot elastic. The ones you unsuccessfully tried to get him to throw away last spring.
3. Watch Jerry Springer videos on Youtube. Feel superior because, though you are slurping pistachio pudding straight from the bowl at 9:19 am dressed in your husband’s sweatpants, you have never dated your mother’s husband’s twin sister’s dog. Strong work.
4. Nap a bit. Mr. Springer’s cast left you emotionally drained.
5. Wake and realize you are not hungry, but must immediately eat something anyway.
6. Roam kitchen like a ravenous lion. Summarily reject entire contents of ‘fridge as being too healthy or too much work.
7. Consume remaining stale Christmas cookies while sitting cross-legged on couch and simultaneously perusing Pinterest for get fit quick tips.
8. Wander off to the garage in a half-hearted attempt to transfer the laundry that’s been moldering in the wash for three days. Realize it smells. Rewash it for the second time but with extra soap and hot water this time.
9. Congratulate yourself on this bit of productivity as you plunk back on the couch to rest.
10. Finally beat level of 1259 of Candy Crush and post about it on Facebook so all your friends can properly celebrate your accomplishments.