What kind of a Christian can’t find her all in all in Christ? I was supposed to have the joy, joy, joy down in my heart to stay, right? If I was really following Christ, He’d instantly transform all this grief into joy, right? The heavens should open up and light pour down, chasing away all this darkness.
You see, I still, after all these years and all these lessons, I still succumb to my eating disorder daily. Don’t get me wrong, it looks a lot prettier than it used to. I don’t pop laxatives like candy and I don’t end a feast on my knees in front of the toilet. I don’t even eat to the point of pain anymore, no third or fourth or fifth servings- no half-gallon of ice cream straight out of the carton. Yet I still…
Since childhood I had held my personal night at bay with artificial light of my own design: third helpings of pizza and forgetting myself in five books a day, outrageous lies and sexual exploits, hash laced joints and lines of meth, camel menthols and twelve hour workdays. I had always lost myself in a hundred things so that I never had to face the night inside.
My momma’s heart that morning was heavy, my mind racing with worry, anxiety roiling my stomach. The cause for my worry? My eldest daughter. Mini-me.
Long ago, I erected an idol in my mind of the Christian Woman.
The Christian Woman found the time to blow-dry her hair before church. She and her childhood sweetheart and their well behaved brood of children arrived each Sunday with their clothes right side in and their shoes on the right feet. She taught Sunday school and sipped tea at ladies’ functions. She found the time to cart casseroles to potlucks, kiddos to soccer practice, and donations to the food-bank in her mini-van.
I once heard a speaker claim that one of the biggest problems with Christians was a lack of imagination. I don’t remember anymore who said it, or the topic of the speech it was used in. But that part stuck. A lack of imagination? Maybe other Christians! But me? Me!?! I’ve got a vivid imagination.… Continue reading The Problem with Christians
My friend, author and fellow LITle Krishana Kraft messaged me this morning and asked if I had any prayer requests. Ya’ll will not be surprised to know that my answer was wordy. “…I think God is smelting out my people pleasing tendencies and some pride issues right now. Both very ingrained, deep issues that I… Continue reading Lord, Refine Me….on Medium-Low